


break me like a promise (casually cruel in the name of being honest)

by amemorymaze



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, M/M, non-au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-21
Updated: 2015-07-21
Packaged: 2018-04-10 13:04:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4393055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amemorymaze/pseuds/amemorymaze
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>But as he looks up, he catches that gaze that is so familiar but so unfamiliar at the same time. The glistening brown irises that are widening in recognition take Liam back to days of being everywhere and anywhere; sitting on a beach or by a forest. In the backseat of the car as the rain beats down on the roof or lounging on their king-size bed as they ignore the rest of the world.</i>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <i>He stares into those eyes that remind him of the scent of rain and warm summer nights; of snow falling around them and the crunch of golden leaves beneath their feet.  </i>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>zayn leaves and this is the first time they meet again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	break me like a promise (casually cruel in the name of being honest)

Fiddling with the button of his plaid shirt, Liam takes a deep breath. He looks into the mirror in front of him and he tries not to notice his nervous tics; the way his hands shake ever so slightly or how he keeps flicking his head as if sweeping back a fringe that’s no longer there.

He tells himself it’s the dull lighting of the cafe toilets that’s making his skin look too pale, tells himself it’s not him. Liam thinks about how Louis is only a few short texts away if he can’t do it and tries to see it as a reassurance and not a cowardly exit.

He takes another deep, shaking breath and tries to cover his nerves with that false confidence he knows will be seen through straight away. He keeps up his pretence in the hopes that maybe it’ll turn into reality one day.

Dragging his eyes away from his own reflection, he heads out of the door and into the cafe once again. It’s cozy and familiar, but it’s familiar in ways Liam wants to forget about. It’s familiar in ways that remind him of early mornings when the sun has barely risen and late lunches that were completely theirs and only theirs.

It’s a reminder that Liam never asked for; a reminder that acts like a punch to the gut.

He just grasps at the cup of tea in front of him, which he’d bought when he has arrived almost an hour early, and pulls it towards him. It’s starting to cool, the china no longer emitting the warmth he’d wanted to find comfort in.

He traces his finger along the lines of the wood on the table an attempt at stopping him from pulling at that button on his shirt. The one that’ll end up falling off into his hand when the thread is eventually pulled too thin, frayed and damaged until it needs to be replaced.

The bell above the door rings and Liam doesn’t want to look up; doesn’t want to confirm his suspicions because it’s now twenty past four and Zayn’s always late.

But as he looks up, he catches that gaze that is so familiar but so unfamiliar at the same time. The glistening brown irises that are widening in recognition take Liam back to days of being everywhere and anywhere; sitting on a beach or by a forest. In the backseat of the car as the rain beats down on the roof or lounging on their king-size bed as they ignore the rest of the world.

He stares into those eyes that remind him of the scent of rain and warm summer nights; of snow falling around them and the crunch of golden leaves beneath their feet.

The smile that spreads across his face isn’t forced, it’s something that comes so naturally to him when looking at those eyes. And maybe it’s only been a few months since they’ve seen each other but to Liam it feel likes years; it feels like an eternity.

He get’s to his feet in a rush, almost toppling his chair to the floor in his haste; “Zayn,” he breathes.

“Hey Liam.” And Zayn smiles. That small but still blinding smile that’s only ever been for Liam, will only ever be for him.

And it’s then that Liam realises that something truly broke that night. It’s foreign territory to him, something he’s never ever felt with Zayn.

He wonders if Zayn feels it too.

“Do you want a drink?” Liam asks, trying to let the awkwardness dissolve into the air as he smiles, but this time it’s forced (he tries not to think of what that means).

“Nah,” Zayn says, shaking his head before motioning for them to leave.

Liam follows him out, watching the back of Zayn’s head and wonders what prompted him to shave his head. He wonders why he cut off all of his hair like Liam did all those years back.

“I like your hair, by the way,” Liam says and it’s a half-truth. He does like it, he does. Zayn looks _good._ But he also doesn’t. He doesn’t like what it represents and doesn’t like what it means.

“Yeah?” Zayn says and there’s a smile on his face as they begin to walk down the road, side by side on the pavement.

“Of course,” Liam says, trying not to even think about the way their arms are brushing together. “Always.”

And Zayn’s small smile that’s aimed at the ground still shoots butterflies into Liam’s stomach and makes a smile spread across his own lips. They cross the road and head towards the park ahead of them.

The trees swaying in the light breeze as the sun shines down on them, they walk along the path and towards the lake. He thinks of moments like this they used to have - just the two of them walking through their park; in a slight drizzle as they walked the dogs or with the sun beating down on their sweating necks. Their hands would be interlocked, and it felt safe and serene and Liam felt happy.

He’d be away from all those prying eyes and the fans and management. It’d just be them two and no one else.

“I thought,” Zayn begins, looking up towards the sky and the clouds above, breaking Liam from his thoughts, “I thought it was time for a change, you know?”

“Not just because you _can_?” Liam asks and regrets it almost immediately.

“Well,” Zayn shrugs, “That’s part of it I guess.”

And it’s then that he breaks. It’s then that everything around him crumbles and his vision blurs. His heart feels tight; stretched too far and ready to rip in two at any given moment.

His mind is a mess and he can’t figure it out; he just doesn’t understand - doesn’t get why.

“I don’t -” Liam begins, trying to cover the hitch in his voice as he says; “I don’t recognise you anymore.”

It’s not even what he’d meant to say and although he doesn’t regret the words that spill from his mouth, he’s scared to see Zayn’s reaction.

“I tried so hard,” Zayn says, his voice shaking in a way that Liam knows and recognises. “I tried to keep going, I wanted to keep going. I just - I can’t do it anymore, Liam. I _can’t._ ”

“When did it become a chore?” Liam asks, his voice shaking as his hand goes straight back to that one button on the bottom of his shirt. He’s staring forward watching a bird in the tree opposite them; fluttering it’s wings as it’s settles on the branch.  “When did we become a chore?”

He wonders if Zayn hears the silent; _When did I become a chore?_

“Li - ” Zayn starts, inching towards Liam slightly, beginning to close the gap between them. The gap that feels like a canyon that Liam doesn’t even know where to start to cross it.

“I don’t understand,” Liam says and this time his voice cracks slightly and he hates that. He hates that his own voice is betraying him - betraying his strength.

Zayn sighs and Liam dares to look over at him and regrets it immediately. There’s something there, something in his eyes, his posture, his _being_ that isn’t right. But Liam notices as well as that, there’s something that wasn’t there before. There’s something about Zayn that’s different and he can’t figure it out.

That sends a tang on his heartstrings because Zayn’s changed and he’s still changing and Liam’s not there to see it and not there to be a part of it.

The sun’s beginning to set as they sit down on a rickety old bench, that’s a memorial to someone long forgotten. With the wood creaking underneath them with even the slightest of movements, Liam stays still as possible holding his breath as he waits for an answer that he’s not sure he wants.

If he’s being truly honest, he doesn’t know if he wants to understand; thinks that maybe it’s better if he stays naive.

And Zayn stays quiet for a beat too long and Liam sneaks a glance over at him. Their gazes catch and Liam can’t pull away, can’t stop looking.

“Me neither, Li. I don’t understand either.”

And Liam can’t help but let a sigh leave his lips and he leans forward with his elbows on his knees, watching across the lake in front on them. Watching as the sun goes down across the tree tops, the orange glow reflecting against the rippling water.

“Is that all you’re going to give me?” Liam says; “ _You_ don’t understand? You just _couldn’t_ do it anymore? You’re the one who left, Zayn. You’re the one who quit and decided you didn’t want to do it anymore. You’re the one who left the band. You’re the one who left me.”

“I didn’t want to leave you, Liam!” Zayn says, getting to his feet, “I’ve been trying for months now and it’s so hard for me because I don’t want it like you four do. We don’t want the same thing anymore.”

“Why didn’t you just tell us that?”

“How was I supposed to?” Zayn says, brushing away tears from his eyes and Liam tries to ignore it and ignore the way he wants to brush them away for him. “You were so intent on pretending that i was all okay and that nothing was wrong. But it was. It’s been wrong for months and you were just ignoring it and hoping it would get better and I didn’t - I didn’t want to hurt you, Liam. I didn’t.”

There’s tears falling from Liam’s face, rolling down his cheeks as his breath catches in his throat. “I just - I miss you so much.”

“I didn’t want to hurt you Li,” Zayn says, finally taking that step that’s just close enough that he can reach out and brush the tears from Liam’s face. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s - when you told us you weren’t coming back - you don’t understand, Zee. You don’t - they all turned to me and asked if I knew and I…  I _didn’t._ ”

Zayn just pulls Liam close, pulls him into a tight hug, his head tucked into the crook of his neck as he whispers his apologies. Liam holds on tight, not wanting to let go; never wanting to let go.

And then Zayn’s pulling back ever so slightly, hands still around Liam’s neck as he catches his gaze.

“I still love you, you know,” Zayn whispers, the sound barely loud enough to carry across the gap between them.

Liam blinks and replies in a heartbeat; “I love you, too.”

It’s not fixed, Liam knows that. But as he looks at Zayn with the setting sun behind him and the light glowing around his silhouette like an aura, he feels this spark of hope. He feels less lost and more like he knows exactly where he’s going.

He’s no longer fiddling with the button on his shirt and his hands aren’t shaking.

It’s not fixed, not quite. But it’s mending and healing and it’ll take time but Liam knows that eventually they’ll be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> because i listened to all too well and said this to kayla + elsa and i got emosh and it happened okay. 
> 
> “liam thinking everything’s fine, thinking it's ok, pretending it's okay. that it'll get better because he needs that blind optimism but then zayn left. he just left. and liam doesn't understand it. he doesn't understand why and he knows zayn's finally being honest and being selfish and liam can't fault him for that but it hurts because he still left”


End file.
